Leisure

I got up and put the kettle on this morning. As I walked past the lounge I saw Jon's bare foot poking out from under the blanket on the arm of the sofa. This was his second consecutive night in this exact position. His face was only inches away from a full ashtray and several empty beer cans on the coffee table. The sofa itself was flanked by dirty plates and empty food cartons.

I gave him a kick and told him to wake up. He sat up frowning and stared into space for a few seconds before stretching his arms above his head. While his arms were in the air he looked down at his weed on the coffee table and his hands fell back down onto it. I made some toast and switched on the Playstation. We both took our places on the sofa. We'd been in these same positions for almost the entire weekend. From Friday night until that point, on Sunday lunchtime.

After a few hours of being totally involved in the gaming I noticed that it was a nice day, so I opened the windows and sat back down again and carried on. I could hear car stereos from the passing cars as we sat there.

After a couple more hours I suggested that, seeing as it was a nice day, we should go up the pub.

-


There is a garden at the Seven Bells. It's a bit of tarmac out the back that looks onto the car park. There are a couple of wooden pub tables, chained to the wall. We walked in that way and saw that there were no seats. One guy's car was parked right there and he had the stereo going.

We decided to stand at the bar. It was busy. We ordered two pints and looked around. A lot of people were wearing shorts and flip-flops. Almost everyone had sunglasses either on, or sitting on their head.

We stood there for a while not saying much and then a guy we knew walked in: Pete Greenfield.

We hadn't seen Pete for a while because he'd moved up to the city a year or two before and rarely came back. Everyone likes Pete, he's a nice guy. He saw us, gave a little wave and came over.

'well hello lads' he said and shook our hands.

The first thing I noticed about Pete was that he looked healthy. He had a natural tan and clear eyes. Physically he looked both light and muscular. No stranger to sport. I looked back over to Jon to make a comparison. He was hunched onto the bar for support and the only colour in his face was the pink of his eyeballs.

'Good to be back in the local eh!' Pete said looking around.

'what brings you back down here?' I asked.

'Actually I was just passing through on my way back up town'

'Where've you been?

'climbing'

'What' said Jon, 'around here?'

'Yeah, up the front of the pound shop' he said laughing, 'no no, out in the country'

I noticed he was wearing high-tech looking gear.

'It's only about 45 minutes from here' he said, 'You boys should see it. Lovely spot in the forest. There's a valley with several steep rock faces. We started out this morning. Beautiful day for it. You hike down into the valley and start out from the bottom by the river. A mate of mine has all the gear. You work your way up slowly, finding footholds. You have to be fit. It's a great feeling when you get to the top, looking down into the valley. Seriously boys you should try it'

'Cool' I said and Jon and me looked at each other. 'about this being fit' I said.

'Nah, you'd be alright' he said slapping me on the arm and laughing. 'Soon build up strength.'

'Like I said it's about 45 minutes from here by car anyway, and seeing as I was driving back through the old burbs, I though I'd stop in for a pint.'

Pete carried on for a while, telling us about the climbing. It did sound amazing, and he was so enthusiastic. We didn't ask any more questions about how we might actually go about doing it however. It sounded great but it was unimaginable that we might actually go and do it. It wasn't us. We both knew somehow that we would at no future point end up clinging to the side of that valley in the countryside, so we just listened to Pete talking about it.

Pete said that they'd set out at 7am that morning.

'that's a bit harsh for a sunday!' I said.

'Tell me about it' he said laughing, 'I was at this gig last night, near my place. Really cool bar and they have some crazy bands. Anyway, this girl came round giving out flyers. Real alternative chick you know, with a mad haircut. Fit as well. I'd already had a few and was feeling good so I stared flirting with her. Then I snatched the flyers off her, playful like, and said I'd give them them back once she gave me her number. She said she I couldn't have it but once she'd finished working she might come back and let me buy her a drink.'

As he was talking the bartender came over and put a pint on the bar, Pete picked it up, gulped back a mouthful and let out a long satisfied 'ahhh'.

'Nothing like a beer at the end of the day' he said, 'so anyway, later on I was standing there chatting to my mates and she came over and tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and looked at her. She said- 'come on then' and gave a little nod towards the door. That was it. I didn't even have to buy her a drink.'

Pete had a little chuckle and shook his head.

'So anyway, she lives in a big town house over on the other side of town and I woke up there this morning and had to get a taxi back to my place at half six to get my stuff.'

'I'm gonna sleep well tonight' he added and shook his head again.

Jon and me laughed with him, but we had nothing to add, and nothing else to say.

'Well I'd better be off boys' Pete said slapping his empty glass on the bar. 'If you're ever up town let me know'

Pete walked out and Jon and me looked at each other.

'Another one?' I asked him holding up my empty glass.

'How about a kebab?' he said.

-

We walked over to the kebab shop and both ordered chips in pitta bread. After a few minutes the guy behind the counter handed them over and we sat down on at one of the plastic tables.

Jon was lucky to born in the era of fast food. It's hard to imagine him in a nice restaurant, eating nicely and making conversation. He laid his food out on the table, leaned over it and started loading the chips into his mouth two at a time.

We hadn't really said much since Pete left anyway. I ate my chips and looked out the window. It was a warm summer evening and was still light.

'What shall we do?' I said

'what?' said Jon, then stopped eating to think about it for a moment and said 'dunno'.

'We could go somewhere.' I said, 'it's not that late'

'It's Sunday' said Jon with a mouthful of chips.

'It's not too late' I said.

-

We sat in Jon's car, in the car park round the back of the pub. I'd persuaded Jon that we should go and do something, rather than back to the sofa at my place, but I didn't have any ideas.

'where to then?' said Jon starting to look fed up.

After hearing Pete talk about that club up in the city, the first thing that came to mind was to go up town and find a cool bar, maybe with a live band or DJ. No problem on a Sunday up there. We'd be able to find something happening. Or maybe one of the places near the river where you can stand outside with a beer and watch the all girls go by.

'I ain't going up town' said Jon after I'd asked him, and said it in such a way that it was final.

I thought it over for a bit and Jon lit up a cigarette.

'I'll go up Blockbusters' he said, offering me a compromise.

Blockbuster Video is near the shopping centre 10 minutes away and would surely involve only choosing a film and then returning to the sofa no more than thirty minutes later. I had to think fast. Having heard Pete talking about the valley where he'd been rock climbing, it made me think of a really great country pub I'd been to once that had a big garden next to a river. It was way out in the countryside in a really nice spot. There would be plenty of people down there having a drink on a sunny evening. I suggested it and Jon looked at me for a few seconds.

'Is that a joke?' he said, 'it's fucking miles away'.

He took one last drag on his cigarette and threw it out the window.

'It's Blockbusters or nothing' he said starting the engine.


-


We drove up towards the shopping district. It forms part of the same suburb really but has a lot more shops and things. On the way I was hoping to think of something else to do in the few minutes before we got there.

We passed the cinema, which was already lit up and had quite a few people outside. I looked up at the films advertised on the outside and the selection was so unappealing I didn't even want to suggest it. Next we passed the bowling alley. I imagined Jon and me alone in the bowling alley. Pete wouldn't go to a bowling alley. I said nothing. I saw a pub that looked like it had disco lights shining in the windows. When we got closer I saw a sign saying Karaoke. I said nothing. Then before long we'd arrived and parked up outside Blockbusters.

-

Inside Blockbusters there were five people. A youngish couple, a middle-aged man and two members of staff in blue polo shirts. One of these two, an attractive brunette, was stacking DVDs on the shelves, the other, who looked like a housewife, was sitting behind the counter.

Jon went straight of to the kung fu section and I wandered through the aisles slowly in the direction of the brunette. As I got closer I could see her better. Probably a student I thought, because she was young and had a slight alternative look. I could see the side of her face and noticed that her make up was quite dark. I looked at her hand as she reached up to place a DVD on the shelf and noticed her finger nails were dark blue. She looked fun and lively somehow, even here while at work.

So obviously, I wanted to talk to her.

I started looking at the DVDs near her but I was thinking about Pete. Pete just went for it. He did things. He'd always been like that. He always did things and always had stories to tell. When he started chatting up the girl in the bar. He made it happen.

I started thinking about what to say to her.

After a while I decided the best bet would be to pick a film and ask her if she'd seen it and if she thought it was any good. A bit strange perhaps, but with a bit of charm it could really open up a conversation.

I spent a few minutes finding the right film. It had to be something quite cool obviously. No rom-com or action flick. A French film might be a bit to pretentious, and besides there were only two, and they looked boring. I hesitated over a cult horror movie from the seventies, but then to admit to never having seen it wasn't very cool either. In the end I found a new release that looked fairly credible and made my way over to her.

She had moved further down and was using a step to load some DVDs on to the top shelf. I noticed that her Blockbuster polo shirt hung over quite a tight skirt and she had a small tattoo of a shooting star on her ankle. I suddenly felt more nervous. I walked slowly towards her but started looking back through the shelves as if I was still searching for a film. I got closer, but by then fixing my gaze on the rows of DVDs and not daring to even look at her. I knew it would never happen now. I'd lost the nerve.

I held on for a moment, keeping close to her. I hoped she might notice me. I hoped that she might say something. She didn't.

I walked back over to Jon defeated and gave him my choice of DVD.

'Looks a bit shit that mate' he said and handed it back. In the meantime he'd selected two martial arts films and suggested we hit the road.

-

It was ok back at the house, on the sofa. We'd bought a big bag of crisps and a bottle of fanta. Jon rolled up a spliff as soon as we sat down and we put on one of the martial arts films, which wasn't bad actually. They'll be plenty more weekends I said to myself, and of course plenty more adventures to be had.

Church

Jon came round in his car after work and gave me two beeps. He'd invited me over for a smoke and I was quite keen to get out of the house.

Jon could walk to work because it's just the other side of the High Street, but he prefers to take his car. Jon lives near me, so I could've quite easily walked over to Jon's house, but he came to pick me up anyway. He said we had to meet his dealer, who lives just around the corner from me, but we were going to meet him down by the church just around the corner from Jon.

The church is a good place to do this kind of business because nobody ever goes there.

I left the house and saw Jon waiting in the car. It always surprises me to see Jon wearing a suit. Quite a sharp one as well, with a tie and everything. Jon works in the local building society.

I opened the door and said hello. Jon slapped his hand on the seat and brushed all the rubbish and bits of paper off it in one swipe. Jon's car is old and dirty. Dirty inside. The plastic interior is dusty and rattles, and all the upholstery has been thoroughly smoked through.

We drove round to the church and took the lane that runs along the graveyard. There are just one or two houses on the other side and they are set back from the street and have big gates in front. We parked up and sat there for a few minutes. I suggested we sit on the wall and wait.

'What?' Jon said.

'have a cig' I added.

Jon shrugged his shoulders and we got out. He pulled out his cigarette pack and threw me one, knowing full well that I wouldn't have any myself.

We sat on the wall and I looked over to the church. Standard looking church, just like any other. The graveyard was overgrown and quite a few of the gravestones were lop-sided and old looking. The church didn't look old though. It looked quite new really, for a church.

Then I remembered my old history teacher saying that there used to be a really old church here that was built in the time of William the Conqueror, but the only part left is a bit of wall. He said it was the centre of the village back then. Funny the things we remember.

I swung my legs over to the other side facing the church and looked along the wall from where I was sitting. Suddenly saw a small part further along and lower down, which had big chunky, jagged stones rather than the square blocks that made up the rest. So that was it then.

A car pulled in and Jon looked over and gave it a little wave.

Jon's dealer got out and walked over to us. His name's Phil. He was a year below us at school.

'Alright boys' he said and pulled a cigarette out from behind his ear.

'ohh fucking hell look at you' he added, admiring Jon's suit.

Phil has long hair which is always tucked behing his ears. He always looks hunched over and sly, but is actually quite chatty.

He'd seen me looking down into the graveyard.

'any of 'em moving?' he asked, and then flipped the cigarette into his mouth with a sharp flick of the wrist.

'Actually there's a bit of wall there that's almost a thousand years old' I said pointing down at it,

'Well I fucking never' he said and pulled out a small bag of bright green skunk weed.

'Have a whiff of that' he said holding it up to Jon's nose. 'You won't find better than that'.

Jon nodded and reached for his wallet.

-

Later that night I left Jon's place and walked back home. We'd smoked quite a bit of weed while playing video games and Jon had cooked us an oven pizza.

I passed by the Church on my way back and decided to go down the lane and have another look at the wall. I know it's just an old bit of wall, but I liked it somehow.

The lane was dead quiet. I mean really dead quiet because the only things there were gravestones. It was dark as well. Having smoked plenty of weed, I have to admit I was a bit spooked.

I got to the old part of the wall and squatted down to have a look. These stones are old I thought and ran my hand along them. I stood back up and tried to imagine the old village. There must have been animals and old market stalls, and wonky houses made of wood. I tried to imagine some Normans walking around, wearing armour and swords. I could see it quite well actually. I imagined peasant girls with baskets of fruit, and a horse with a cart full of hay.

I had a really good image of what it looked like for a few seconds, and then I lost it. Suddenly all I saw was the boring looking church again.

I started to feel a bit stupid standing there so I wandered off back out of the lane and onto the main road. As I walked beside the traffic I looked at the rows of houses and tried to imagine fields but it didn't work. I was bored of thinking about that and started thinking about the whipping I'd given Jon on the boxing game instead. Nice.

Still, an interesting adventure.

Enclosure

I was watching a documentary the other night. I didn't plan to, it just came on after something else. It was about farming. Sounds boring doesn't it. It was really, but then the presenter spoke about something called the 'enclosure movement' and that made me think.

Apparently, a couple of hundred years ago, most of the land around England was common ground. So people could go wherever they wanted. They could graze their sheep, hang out or whatever. Then a load of people became land owners, put up fences and kept it all to themselves. All the other people couldn't use it anymore and even had to take different routes to get places.

To get from my place to the High Street. I used to cut through a car park that runs behind some shops, over a bit of wasteland and then through a little alley leading on to the High Street. I can't do that any more because there's a new housing development where the old wasteland used to be. There's a couple of new houses sitting right on it, and a big wooden fence surrounding it.

The documentary said that a lot of people were pissed off when the government gave all the land away. I can understand why.

-

I woke up the next morning at around the usual time and quickly started thinking about the housing development again. I even got quite angry. That housing development adds at least five, maybe ten minutes to my journey to the High Street. Not to mention the station, which to be fair I rarely use as I'm unemployed, but would be very annoying in the morning if I wasn't.

Sometimes people have to make a stand.

I decided to get up, get dressed, have some toast, a cup of tea, and then take my old route to the High Street, even if I had to climb over the fence and through the housing development to get there.

I left the house at around 1pm and walked down towards the High Street. As I got to the bottom of the hill I took a left into the car park behind the shops and cut across diagonally, slipping through the cars. I could see the new fence where the wasteland used to be on the other side. It doesn't fit in really because the car park itself is old and weathered and there are pot holes and weeds everywhere. The new fence is made of rows of bright wood.

-

I remember the climbing wall at primary school. It was multi-couloured and sat at the end of the playground. Most of my friends conquered that wall long before I did. Years before perhaps. When they'd got to the top they pulled faces at me and made noises. In fact, I think I only finally made it to the top at the very end of the last year, just before moving up to secondary.

Anyway, I got to the fence and looked for a foothold. The slats were vertical so it wasn't easy. I stretched up to the top and the wood felt rough on my hands. I pulled up and thrust both my trainers into the slats to get some grip. I managed to drag myself on top so that I was flopped over with the thin fence cutting into my belly. I swung a leg up and managed to turn myself around and drop down.

I had a look around. The old wasteland was still there partly, because they hadn't put the gardens in yet. The houses were finished though. Two of them. They were pretty standard looking houses. Red brick sides. Sloping roof. Double-glazing. I wonder why nobody ever wants a more interesting house.

There was one practical problem- the two houses were joined together by a double garage. In order to carry on straight and follow my path, I'd have to get over the garage as well. Mind you, it was only one storey.

This time I found a plank of wood and propped it against the garage wall. this gave me a foothold and I was able to lift myself up onto the garage roof. The roof was black and sticky. As I got to my feet I noticed that I had a pretty good view down onto the High Street. I stood and watched the cars pass for a while, being careful not to be seen. I had to duck down at one point as a guy walked out of the betting shop.

It was pretty cloudy, but for a couple of seconds a little bit of sun poked through and lit up some of the shop roofs.

It felt pretty good, beating the system.

-

I ripped my jacket as I came down the other side. Thankfully there was a gate on the High Street side fence and it was easy to climb over. I had to wait a couple of minutes though as there was someone standing by the window of the nail salon having a cigarette. Once she went back in I jumped over and walked out onto the High Street.

I looked at my watch. I have to say it's not really quicker anymore. And, let's be honest, when people move into those houses it'll be a whole different ballgame. I think I've made my point though.

I looked up and down the High Street, thinking if there was anywhere I wanted to go or anything I wanted to look at. There wasn't, so I went home. A nice little adventure.

Matchday

The other morning I was lying about in bed awake. Sometimes I lie there looking at my curtains before getting up. They're light green and have crazy little shapes all over them. As usual, the sun was pretty high in the sky by the time I'd woken up, so the curtains had a nice little glow. My phone bleeped and after a while I rolled over and checked the message. It was Doug.

It read- '3pm. Seven Bells. Don't be a mug'

He was trying to persuade me to go to the World cup match later that afternoon. I'd threatened not to go.

I rolled back and looked at the curtains.

I don't like football. Never have.

Doug knows this.

So as I mentioned, in the last few minutes of the last game, standing in the pub with Doug and Jon, packed in, bored, I said

'I can't be fucked with this again next week'

Jon looked at me slowly and said 'what?'

Jon rarely shows any kind of emotion. His face, like his body, remains mostly flaccid, even when he's very irritated, as he was at that moment. I can only remember one real tantrum, when he lost his pot down a crack in my sofa, and then he sometimes loses his rag when I beat him at video games, but otherwise he'll rarely seem anything other than very stoned.

With football however, it's different. In any photo I've ever seen of Jon as a child, he was wearing a football kit. Quite often his Dad was as well. It's that sort of thing. Football also gives him and Doug a precious common ground that more or less holds their friendship together.

Before he could say anything more the whistle went and the pub broke out into song and cheer.


I got bored of the curtains, got up and started to get ready.

-

Later that afternoon I got to the pub before the game started and the place was already packed out. There was a think crowd at the bar shouting for service and another already facing the big screen as the players came out onto the pitch. A group of lads over near the toilets were chanting and everybody else was speaking at full volume to make themselves heard. The voice of the TV commentator boomed out over all this racket.

I spotted Doug and Jon over near the back facing a smaller TV and squeezed through to them. Doug said hello, handed me a pint and turned back to the screen.

I took a swig from my beer and looked around. I recognised quite a few people, being my local, then I saw Mike. He was standing near us, looking up at the screen.

I'd met Mike when I did a day's work in the depot. He'd told me he'd been in prison and I thought he was a bit cocky at first but after working together I got to like him. I went over to say hello.

'Hello mate' he said grabbing my hand. 'we're gonna fucking kill em eh!'

He looked me straight in the face.

'Yeah' I said.

'That team' he said pointing up to the line of players on the screen, 'fucking strong'

'awesome' I said

Then he started on about the last game, defence positions, tactics and then the main striker. He did all the talking.

'That goal' he said finally and shook his head in awe.

'brilliant' I added.

It looked like the game was about to start so we turned back towards the screen. The cheering quietened down for a few seconds as our two forwards stood over the ball ready to kick off, and then, once the first kick was made, the noise doubled in volume.

As I watched the first ten minutes I tried really hard to get into it. I tried to feel the excitement. I tried to care, but didn't. It's hard to turn that situation around. From not caring to caring. To stop caring is pretty easy, or at least to pretend to stop caring.

I kept my eyes on the screen and took a sip from my beer roughly every five seconds. Mostly I just felt uncomfortable.

Someone had a shot and missed.

'oohhh' cried mike, looking at me, 'fuckin belter'

'awesome' I said with a big grin.

I was aware that Doug and Jon were just behind us and that should they witness this show of gutless hypocracy I'd never hear the end of it.

A long cross dropped into the box and an unpopular midfielder miss-headed it well over the goal.

'Youuuu CUNT' Mike shouted and everyone around started laughing, including Doug and Jon. They had probably noticed me talking to Mike but were too hopelessly engrossed in the game to care.

A long pass floated forward into the box and one of our players had a shot which was deflected back out, then another, then another. Each attempt sent the crowd into brief vocal spasms and the whole pub stuttered until the ball came to our top scorer and he placed it into the goal.

Everybody around us jumped in the air and exploded in cheer. Mike turned and looked me square in the eye, his face was contracted into something between a grin and a grimace.

'YESSSSS' he shouted, holding out two lock-tight fists.

I tried my best to look ecstatic, overcome, joyous. I made a little pretend jump and pushed my elbows out to the side. I mouthed a little silent 'yes' and kept a grin on my face.

It must of been convincing enough because Mike clapped his arm on my shoulder and started cheering. I could hear Doug and Jon singing along behind me as well.

Time to leave I thought.

'Back in a bit' I said as things settled down. I walked back towards the bar, passed through the crowd in front of it and out of the main door and onto the street.

I walked off quickly, being careful not to be seen though the pub windows. Once I was some way down the high street, the noisy pub behind me, I noticed that there was nobody around. No-one.

No cars either.

The high street was empty. Almost silent. It was quite a contrast let me tell you.

I carried on along the high street, slowing my pace. I started to feel quite relaxed actually. I stretched out my arms and swung them around a few times.

After a while, seeing as there were no cars, I decided to step off the pavement and walk in the road. As I reached the white lines at the top of the camber I decided to walk in the middle of the road for as long as possible.

I looked down the high street and up the hill and saw nothing. Turning around to look the other way past the pub I saw it was equally quiet. Walking slowly, I looked down at the no-mans-land tarmac in front of my feet. It was quite clean actually, and soft.

The high street seemed wider than usual from the middle. Some of the shops were open but I didn't feel that any of the shop keepers could see me, and there wasn't one shopper to be seen.

Still walking slowly, I started to slalom the white lines running through the middle of the road. Then after a while I pigeon stepped on them and jumped from one to another. At one point I stopped, stood dead still and asked myself:

'I wonder if anyone has ever sat down, here, in the middle of the road, in the middle of the high street, in the middle of the afternoon.'

I thought probably not.

The tarmac felt warm on my hand as I lowered myself down. I crossed my legs under myself. I was facing back down towards the pub and took a nice long deep breath while looking around. The pub was way off in the distance and I couldn't hear any cheering at all. There wasn't much else to see really. This high street is fairly typical, and therefore not very interesting. On one side of me was a low-price supermarket, a hairdressers and the big pound shop that used to be a department store. On the other side were two charity shops, the post office and a nail salon.

It was a nice sunny day though so I sat there for a while admiring the view until I heard the drone of an oncoming car further along the road. It appeared on the high street so I got up and walked back over to the pavement. It filled the high street with noise as it flew past. The driver was probably trying to get somewhere in time for the second half.

I walked off home quite pleased with my little escape. It'd be hard to think of a good excuse for the others but it was definitely worth it. Good stuff.

Shopping

I was lying about in bed the other morning, having just woken up. The strong sunlight behind the curtain and traffic noise suggested it was about my usual waking up time. 11am. It was a Saturday morning.

Saturday mornings are special. Saturday mornings are just as different from weekday mornings for someone unemployed like me as they are for someone working like you. That is, aside from the certainty of having a hangover, I actually have things to look forward to. Saturday is the most active day of the week for me.

The phone rang an hour or so later while I was still loafing around in bed. It was Jon. He said he was going up Great Lakes and asked if I wanted to go.

I said of course I did.

-

Great Lakes is a new out-of-town shopping centre just off the motorway. It's big, classy and makes all other shopping centres look rubbish.

There was nothing I really needed but that's not the point.

Jon came round in his car an hour or so later an gave me a couple of toots. I left the house and there he was behind the wheel waiting and smoking a joint. Jon's car is is an old white hatchback. Seriously old. It feels all empty inside. It has an old-style car-stereo which hangs below the dashboard and has its wires draping on the floor. It stinks of smoke, both stale and fresh.

'my sister's coming' he said as I got in, 'gonna pick her up.'

Jon's sister is older than us. She is, quite frankly, a stunner. We like to remind Jon of this as often as possible. She used to have this boyfriend who always had something funny or interesting to say. Steve. I guess we looked up to him. He came to the pub with us a few times and bought us all drinks. He worked in plastic piping or something, but clearly did well for himself. He always wore flash shirts and left the keys to his Audi sitting on the table in front of him. They split up a while ago, we never found out why and haven't seen him since.

Jon's sister has a pretty good job as well and lives in one of the brand new flats on the old marshland.

-

We parked up and as we got out I saw her leaning over the balcony of her second floor flat.

Her hair was tied back and she was wearing jeans and a t-shirt with silver writing on the front. She looked amazing.

'come up' she called down and went inside again.

I'd never been to her place before and the first thing I noticed as I got to the front door was that the whole place smelt great. Not perfumed exactly, but just clean. Very clean. There was a thick white carpet in the hallway and Jon told me to take my shoes off.

We walked into the living room and she said hello and told us to take a seat because she'd be a few minutes. She picked up her handbag and walked around the room finding things to put in it, and then disappeared into a bedroom.

Jon was already quite stoned and didn't say much so we just sat there and I looked around the room. It was pretty stylish. The walls were red and there were futuristic metal lights hanging from the ceiling. There was a big picture on the back wall with lots of coloured shapes on it. The shapes weren't perfect or symmetrical but rough and jumbled looking. There were lots of different bits to look at and you could follow the lines around with your eyes. Mostly it just looked cool I suppose.

When Jon's sister came back in I asked her about the picture and she looked over to it without much interest.

'Got it in Ikea' she said and sat down to put her shoes on.

'Nice' I said and nodded.

I started thinking that I should have something like that in my place.

'Let's take my car' she said and stood up.

-

I sat on the soft back seat of her car and watched the road fly past. Everything in her car seemed plump and it had an even stronger clean smell than her apartment. We coasted up the motorway for a while and then turned off on a slip-road that ran through a wooded area. When we came out on the other side the road ran downhill and we could see the shopping centre in front of us.

Great Lakes is enormous. It has four tall turrets all capped with huge flags. As we came down towards it I could see the flags flapping in the wind and the whole thing seemed to shine in the sunlight.

Great Lakes is a good name in a way because the shopping centre itself is totally surrounded but huge flat car parks, and this being Saturday afternoon you could say it was high tide. There were queues of cars coming in from all directions. We whizzed around a couple of roundabouts and joined one of the queues.

Jon didn't say a lot. His sister started running off a list of things she was going to buy.

'I'm going to get some art' I said when she'd finished.

'what?' said Jon, looking back.

I repeated myself and he turned back around and shrugged his shoulders.


-


Once inside we agreed to split up and meet back an hour later. Jon's sister went off into the very first clothes shop just beside us. Jon said that the video game shop was further up to the right so we started off along the lane of shops, all jam packed with people. Our shoes squeaked as we walked along on the marble floor but the noise of all the other people was distant somehow. The ceiling of Great Lakes is way up high and made of huge sheets of glass. There were lines of bunting hanging criss-crossed in the space beneath it. All the little flags had shop logos on them.

As we were walking I decided that my budget would probably only stretch to a poster, but I should be able to find something arty somewhere.

The first place I saw that I thought might have some posters was called Mind/Spirit. It had quite a few ornaments and things in the window. I told Jon I was going to have a look and he just carried on walking.

'see you in there' I heard him say as he was walking off.

I walked in and saw a poster rack towards the back. It was pretty calm in there and the woman behind the counter said hello. I flipped through the posters in the rack, each one making a satisfying clack sound as I did so. First of all there were some pictures of mountains and rivers, things like that, with some symbols around them. There was one with lots of Chinese writing on it and another with a Buddha and the word Chakra on it. All pretty shit really. As I was walking out I looked at the shelves and noticed a little block of crystallised rock with a candle stuck in it. The sign next to it said 'Meditation candle, £39.99'. I left without saying goodbye and carried on through the shopping centre.

A little further along I went into a big music store to have a look. They had a lot of posters on the second floor at the back. They had some pretty cool posters actually. Films and TV shows, things like that. They weren't what I was looking for though. I wanted sophistication.

I left and carried on walking through the crowds. I noticed the computer game shop and looked in to see if if Jon was there. I spotted him straight away, standing in the middle of a crowd of kids watching awestruck as someone demonstrated a new console on a big screen. He didn't notice me so I went back out and continued.

A little further on I found a specialist picture shop. It was brilliant. There were pictures all over the walls. I looked through their posters and they had some copies of famous paintings that I recognised, and some stylish black and white photos. I wanted something a bit more original though so I carried on flicking through until I came to some modern art. I found one a bit like the one I'd see at Jon's sister's place. It had loads of coloured shapes and squiggly lines on it. I imagined how stylish it would look hanging above the TV in my living room. Perfect.

-

I got back to our meeting point and waited, watching all the shoppers. There's nothing like the buzz of a shopping centre on Saturday afternoon. After a while I saw Jon's sister coming back down the lane. She was carrying three large bags and was zig-zagging back and forth to look in other shop windows. Jon turned up just after, carrying a small bag of computer games. We all felt very pleased with ourselves and headed off to the food court for lunch.

-

When I got back home I found some blutack, put a fat blob on each corner and stuck it up above the TV. I stood back to admire it and then sat back on the sofa to get the feel from there. Very cool.

I occasionally glanced up at it that evening while watching TV. Good work.

Work

Doug gave me a call and told me to meet him in the Red Lion for a beer at half six. He knew this probably meant buying me one, but then Doug has quite a good job. He's never really explained what he does exactly. I think talking about it would bore him just as much as it would me. It's up in the city centre anyway.

The Red Lion is on a corner by the entrance to the station. Every quarter of an hour in the evening a train arrives from the city centre and a big gang of commuters file out of the station and rush past it.

I waited outside. A train came in and Doug came striding out of the station at the head of the crowd. He gave me a wave. He was wearing a suit and he had the evening newspaper in his hand.

'hello mate' he said and shook my hand. The crowd followed behind him and a girl with a classic secretary look passed us. Doug watched her pass, puckered his face up and looked at me while taking a short intake of breath. Then he clapped me on the arm.

'come on then' he said 'I'm thirsty' and darted off into the pub.

We went and stood at the bar, Doug slapped his newspaper down on it, got his wallet out and ordered two pints. When we got them he took a long sip from his beer, said 'ahh yeah', then took another one.

'So what've you been up to today?' he said

In reality I'd only been up since about 1pm and had been in my dressing gown until about half an hour before, but I didn't feel like telling Doug that so I just said 'the usual' and took a swig of my beer.

'That means sitting around doing fuck all' he said loudly.

I was mid-swig as he said this, so he just carried on.

'mate, you've gotta sort it out' he said 'have you even looked this week?'

Doug often went off on a parental nag, which, true to form, was justified but pissed me off all the same. I told him that I'd been looking on the internet, which I hadn't, and that there was nothing.

'Go to an agency' He said 'just put your suit on, go up town and register. They'll find you something right away. It's in their interest to help you. That's how it works.'

'Yeah ok' I said.

Doug looked at me and shook his head.

'You lazy fuck' he said.

Doug carried on talking for a while. He told me some reasonably amusing anecdotes about some of his colleagues and about a girl he fancies who works on the floor below.
I noticed that Doug had a lot to say, and I didn't. You would never describe Doug as dynamic, but I must admit he had more life in him than I did. I suppose even a boring job puts a bit of life into you. Strange. So I decided to go to an agency the next day.

-

It took me a few days to get organised. Things move slowly for the unemployed. I found out there was an employment agency in the high street so I didn't even have to bother going up town. I went in with a CV and had a chat with a very friendly, and quite attractive woman who could handle small talk like a hairdresser. She told me they'd be in touch and I came out 30 minutes later feeling very productive. I stopped off at the off licence to buy some beer and then went home.

I sat on the sofa and cracked open a beer, feeling very good about myself. After watching TV for an hour or so the phone rang. I picked up and it was the woman. She told me that there was a day's work in a goods yard starting at 8.30am the next morning.

This was a bit of a shock to be honest, but she was pretty persuasive so I agreed and she gave me the details.

-

It was still dark when I got up but I didn't feel too bad.

The goods yard is basically a big warehouse near the motorway where the trucks stop,load and unload. I took a bus. It's not really that far. There's an industrial area down the road, near where the sinking shopping mall was. I walked right in through the gate and found the office over at the side of the yard. The boss was sitting behind a metal desk and he got up and shook my hand. He told me that I was to help with an early delivery but he was going to be out of the office all day. He said the boys would show me what to do and pointed me over to two guys standing out in the yard.

I walked towards them and noticed them grinning at me.

'Hello here's our bitch for the day' one of them said. 'you gonna make us a cup of tea then?'

'two sugars' the other one said.

I could tell they were joking but I didn't really know what to say. The first one that spoke was muscular but fat, and had long hair in a pony tail. The other one was younger, lanky and cocky looking. They both wore navy blue polo shirts with GL Depot written on them.

'only joking, what's your name mate?' said Ponytail and held out his hand. I noticed he was wearing quite a few rings. I introduced myself and he told me that we had to wait for the trucks to arrive and I might as well have a cigarette or something.

The boss left and after a while some trucks came in. Ponytail told me to take the boxes off the back and load them onto a space on the floor that was marked out with blue lines. We did this for about an hour but then it turned out that the delivery wasn't as big as expected so by 10am we'd finished.

The lanky one, who told me his name was Mike, said there would be another delivery after lunch but until then we could just sit about because the boss wasn't there. Ponytail said I could make some tea, which I did, and then we all sat around smoking at a table covered in old newspapers.

Mike turned out to be quite chatty. He told me that he found his job boring but he couldn't get much else because he'd been in prison. He even laughed a bit when he told me that. He said it was just for a few months.

'When I first started the boss thought I was gonna steal everything' he said as if it were common sense. 'but he's alright'

'I'll tell him you did a good job this morning' he added.

I quite liked Mike. He said warehousing was better than building work because it was easier.

'you ever worked on a building site?' he asked, I shook my head, 'fuck me'

After a while he suggested a game of darts. He got up and went to find them and then called us into the warehouse. The dart board was on the far wall and seeing as the warehouse was massive, the boys thought it was more fun to fling the darts from halfway across the depot. Ponytail was first and he took a run up before flinging the dart overhead like a throwing knife. It made a big arc under the depot ceiling before lodging itself into the side of a wooden crate. Mike had a go and his bounced on the floor and slapped into the back wall. We carried on like this for a while but then got bored so Ponytail told me to knock up some more tea.

We smoked a bit more and Ponytail went off to the toilet. Mike said that Ponytail had a stash of porn hidden in a hole in the toilet ceiling and laughed.

'I'll show you later' he said and took a gulp of tea.

When Ponytail came back he said that we might as well go to lunch and that he was going up the pub.

'There's fuck all else around here' he said to me 'so you might as well come.'

-

The King's Arms is a rough looking place on the edge of the industrial estate. The front is nearly black from decades of traffic fumes and behind it is all wasteland. We went in, ordered some sandwiches and beer, then found a table near the back. Ponytail went straight over to the fruit machine and stayed there until his sandwich came, ate it, then went back again. Mike and me just sat around reading some old newspapers. After a while we decided to get a second pint in.

-

Back at the depot we waited around for the afternoon delivery. I went and made some tea and Mike said he knew where the boss kept a stash of chocolate biscuits and went off to his office to get some. Once we'd finished off the biscuits, smoked some more and I'd made another round of tea, a phone started ringing in the warehouse. Ponytail jumped up and went over to the far wall near the dart board. When he came back he said that the afternoon delivery had been cancelled and the boss said I could go home.

'Lucky boy' he said picking up his tea and blowing on it.

'We don't need you tomorrow' he said' but the boss said he'll let you know when we have another big delivery.'

So there it was. I'd finished early and I had a whole day off the next day. I waved goodbye to the boys and walked off back to the bus stop. It was just after 3pm.

It was only Tuesday but it had that Friday night feeling as I sat on the bus going back home. I gave Doug a call to see if he wanted to meet up for a beer later, on me naturally.

Holiday

One of the nice things about being unemployed is that I can take my time waking up in the morning. It's always full daylight outside when I first wake up. Then I usually drift off again, wake up again, drift off, and so on. Each time I'm a little more conscious. One step at a time.
It's not like that when you have a job.

This morning I was lying there half-asleep and I was thinking about a holiday I went on once. Not sure why, it just came that way.

So anyway it was in Tenerife with my mum. We stayed in this huge white hotel complex. Our apartment was really high up and there was a balcony. Every morning we sat out on the plastic table and chairs and ate breakfast. It had a great view. When I looked over the edge I could see the pool and all the people around it. We could see the sea in the distance as well, just behind a couple of other hotels. Not far. There were loads of other balconies either side of us and you could see all the other people sitting around half-naked enjoying thier breakfast. What a place.

It made me feel like a change of scenery so I got up, got dressed, ate some toast and left the house, all before noon.

I decided to go a different high street in the suburb next to mine.

When you drive through unfamiliar suburbs, you can't really tell where one stops and the other begins, but that's not true when you live in them. Each one has it's own character. Even the people seem different. Take a bus ride for example, from start to finish, and you could end up in a place that feels totally foreign.

I walked up to the bus stop but then decided to walk all the way. It wouldn't take too long and they do say that the journey is the best bit. I carried on along the main road for a while and then cut across the wasteland leading up to the road that runs through the old metal train bridge.

The train bridge is the division between my suburb and the next one. It works quite well like that actually because it doesn't feel like one place or the other. When you walk through it, it gets darker, colder and the cars get louder. It even has it's own smell. Pigeon shit.

When I came out the other side the sun was shining and I felt pretty cheerful as I walked up the hill towards the high street. The houses all look pretty much the same here I must admit, and the cars outside them too. It still felt different though.

I noticed a petrol station on the other side of the road. It was red and had a big flat roof. I decided to get an ice cream.

I picked out an ice cream from a big freezer on the floor. On the wall next to it there were some maps and guide books. Once outside I unwrapped my ice-cream and looked out onto the forecourt. There weren't any cars and it seemed really empty and open. I decided to cut right across through the pumps, choosing any path I liked. It was great. Just like walking in the middle of the road. I walked slowly over to the air dispenser and circled it, still licking my ice-cream. Then I ambled across the parking spaces at the side of the forecourt and then back onto the pavement on the other side.

There were more shops now as I reached the High Street. I passed a newsagent which had all the newspapers slotted into a rack outside the door. No postcards though.

I remembered that there was a cafe just further along and felt a thirst.

When we were in Tenerife we walked into the town near the beach every night. There were bars and restaurants everywhere and the streets were full of people, and music, and tables with white tablecloths and candles in wine bottles. It was great. My mum let me chose the restaurant so we often went back to the same one where they did great hamburgers.

That's a holiday isn't it. Sitting outside in a t-shirt at night. Eating and drinking outside.

I walked into the cafe and got a tea to go, in a polystyrene cup. They didn't have any tables outside but I noticed a free bench at the bus stop a bit further along. I went and sat down.

There was quite a bit of noise from the traffic but the sun was warming the side of my face and could watch all the shoppers go by on the high street.

I looked at the advertising panel attached to the bus stop. It showed a man in a business suit who had taken his shoes and socks off and was running along a beach next to the water. It was for an airline or something.

Then I noticed a woman shaking a tablecloth over the balcony of one of the flats above the shops. I wondered what it must be like to live there. I saw a young couple wandering along the pavement by the roadside. Having a good time I bet.

I think I stayed there for almost half an hour sipping that tea. it made quite a nice little break. Nothing to do but sit and watch. Very relaxing.

I took the bus home and was back in the house by 2pm. I spent the rest of the day on the sofa watching TV. Occasionally though I thought about my little adventure. Yes, a fine one indeed.

Old times

I was in my local the other night. The Seven Bells. Not a lot happens in my local.

The last interesting thing that I can remember was the smashed up Ferrari, and that was years ago. Everyone loved that one. It was a beautiful car, bright red. Someone had driven it into the wall in front of the library opposite the pub. Whoever it was had just left it there. Part of the wall had fallen down. The front side of the car had been crushed and the side all scratched up. There was a crowd of people there for hours. Mostly guys, laughing and shaking their heads. It was during the summer so people kept going into the pub to get another beer and then came out again to join the crowd.

A guy along the bar was telling the story again the other night. His mates knew it already of course. It's a kind of legend in our pub.

That's about it really. There used to be a dart board. We had some good little competitions with that. Then they refurbed the pub and put in wooden flooring and high tables with stools. They introduced lots of new wines and things but everyone just kept on drinking Stella.

So anyway, it was Friday night and I was there with Jon and Doug. We didn't talk much. Jon was tapping away on his mobile and Doug just looked around the pub. Particularly over at one table of people who were actually talking and having fun. I started thinking how great it was when we were younger and couldn't get in the pub. We usually managed to get some booze and then walked the streets or went off to sit in the park instead. There was adventure in that.


'Let's get some tins and go up the park' I said and waited for a response.

'what?' said Jon without looking up from his mobile.

Doug turned to look at me.

'talking 'bout?' he said.

'Remember when we used to go up the park? and get pissed?' I said 'we had a laugh didn't we?'

'talking bout?' he said and took a swig of his pint.

'You go up the park' Jon said, still looking down at his mobile.


So I did.

I stopped in at the off-licence on the way. I wasn't quite the same as before. I was considered to look the oldest then. I'd had a premature spurt of chin-hair when I was about fourteen so it was always me who went in to buy the drinks. It was quite a sense of achievement to get away with it. All my mates would cheer as I came out. Great times. Now it was too easy of course. I know the guy who works there anyway, he was a couple of years below me at school.

I came out carrying a four-pack in a plastic bag and walked off in the direction of the park. I decided to open a can for the route. The park is a couple of streets away. Quiet suburban streets lined with street lamps. I remembered that before the lamps used to go fuzzy and get big haloes around them. Then when you squinted the light shot out like daggers towards your eyes. I'd probably have to get though this four-pack before that happens, I thought. Perhaps I should have bought more.

I went back and bought a half bottle of vodka as well. Might as well do it properly.


I'd already finished off the first can when I arrived at the park. The park was pretty empty naturally. I went through the gate and started to climb the hill over to the left. I remembered that we used to sit up top where you could look down on the surrounding streets.

I got to the top and sat down on the grass, already on my second can of beer.
It wasn't a great view actually. I could see a few empty back gardens and a couple of rows of street lamps. No fuzz yet. There were a few trees around. One or two closer to the road were nicely lit from the street.

I opened the half bottle of vodka and started pouring it into my beer.

When we used to come here even smoking seemed exciting. Cigs tasted strong and rebellious. I pulled out my cigarette packet and the look of it in the dark did remind me a bit of the old days. The plastic wrapping just caught the light a bit. I took one out and lit it. Nothing

I kept on sitting there for a while and then I noticed a group of five kids walking across the bottom of the hill. They seemed to be passing a bottle back and forth and I could see one or two cigarette tips glowing. They stopped at one of the picnic tables and climbed up to sit on it.

If this was going to be anything more than nostalgia then I needed a gang of mates to drink with. They probably weren't that much younger than me anyway.

It didn't seem like a very good idea, but then, after watching them and opening my third can of beer, I thought fuck it.

I still had at least half the bottle of vodka and as I walked down the hill towards them I got it out ready. That should sweeten the deal I thought.

They had evidently noticed me coming towards them because, even thought it was dark, I could see that they had stopped talking and were all looking my way.

'Alright lads' I called out. I noticed around the same time that the street lights behind them had started to get fuzzy.

As I got closer a couple of them actually got up and looked like they were getting ready to run off.

'Hold on' I said, 'I've got some vodka here'

As I held up my vodka bottle a can of beer flew past me and a light spray of beer splashed on my jacket.

'fuck off' one shouted and they all ran off. I could hear them laughing as they approached the gate and left the park.

I climbed onto the picnic table and opened my last can of beer.

'ah the good old days' I said aloud.

I lay down on the table and looked up into the branches of the trees for a while. Everything was turning quite a bit and there was a nice breeze on my ears.

_

I managed to get back down the Seven Bells to have one more with Jon and Doug. It was another interesting adventure. Nice.

Walkabout

Being unemployed does get repetitive sometimes. I get up around lunchtime. Doss about on the sofa for a while. Sometimes I walk up the highstreet, but there's not really much I want to buy. A few days ago however I went into the Cancer Shop to have a look. They normally have a good selection of VHS tapes at 50p each.

I walked over to the corner where the video shelf was, tilted my head and scanned through them. Not a lot today. Then I noticed a book on the next shelf along. On the cover was a picture of a man with a moustache who looked like he'd put his trousers on his head and wrapped the legs around his neck. He also appeared to be wearing a huge fur ruff.

'My Life as an Explorer' was written underneath and the authors name.

'Sven Hedin' I said as I picked it up. Nice name.

I looked on the first page and 75p was very neatly written in pencil in the top right corner. I flipped through a bit and there were even some drawings.

'Done' I said and went to pay. I dropped the 25p change into the 'karma box' and felt thoroughly pleased with myself.

When I got home I made some toast and then sat back on the sofa with the book. I stayed that way all afternoon, and then into the evening. It was great. This guy had been all over. Adventuring through the mountains, discovering lost cities, you name it.

I carried on reading well into the night. I got a text from Jon asking if I wanted to come over for a smoke and some playstation but I didn't even reply.

I'd just been reading a bit where he was travelling through the desert and all his companions had died of thirst but he carried on and on, following signs of life until he could barely walk and his pulse had all but stopped, and then suddenly found a lake and was saved. Man.

-

That night I dreamt that I was in the desert and went on an amazing adventure.

-

When I woke up I was pretty disappointed to be back in my bedroom I can tell you. Just like every morning, the sun was already high in the sky and most people had been at work for hours.

Then I started thinking. Where can I go to experience the solitude of the desert?

After a while I remembered the old shopping centre. It had been the best thing ever in it's day. Everyone went there. After a few years people started saying that it was sinking, then before we knew what happened it had closed for good. It was sinking apparently. It was build on marshland. I'd hate to be that red-faced architect! Anyway, I used to go out there to doss about with my mates when I was younger. There is a massive car park in front of it. It's endless. It's completely empty now of course. Even the shopping centre was destroyed a few years ago. Perfect.

I took the bus up there and even managed to avoid paying by jumping though the back doors. That'll be the good karma coming back at me. When I got there I stepped off the bus and walked along the fence to the main gates. Just next to them there is a big hole in the fence and it's easy to climb through. I walked past the empty car park attendant's booth. The last vestige of civilisation. From then on it was just me and the car park.

It was a sunny day. That was good. The tarmac was warm. The whole car park was criss-crossed with grids of faded white lines and occasional lamp posts. It was dusted with broken glass and odd bits of metal. Nothing could grow here.

I wandered on. I was already starting to feel thirsty.

I noticed that over to the left of the car park, way in the distance, there was a long chain of semi-detached houses.

I kept on walking, with my feet patting the dusty tarmac.

After a while I felt like sitting down and started looking out for a good spot. Over to my right I saw a wooden crate lying on the floor next to a lamp post. I walked over and sat down. The lamp post was huge and had multiple lamps pointing out in different directions.

I sat and listened to the silence. Actually, at first I could hear a car alarm going off somewhere near the road, but then it stopped and I was left with only the sound of the wind blowing the dust around.

Some other bits of rubbish were wafting about as well.

At one point an empty crisp packet drifted past me, its ripped side open like a sail.

I sat there for quite a while. 20 minutes I suppose. Sven Hedin spent months and months exploring the desert. I imagine after a while the serenity of it sinks into you, just as the sand gets into the roots of your hair. That's when it becomes a spiritual place I guess.

I didn't really get it myself though. To be honest I'd spent half of that time writing texts to Jon and Doug to see if they wanted a smoke later. It was always good to get out a bit anyway wasn't it.

What an advneture. Splendid.

Saturday Night

The other day Jon and me went down to our local Blockbuster Video on the highstreet. Seeing as it was Saturday night we felt we should do something. Once inside we noticed that they'd changed everything around. The walls were still tiled with hundreds of films. Mosty the same films. 50 copies of each. The shelves however, had been reorganised.

Jon, after walking about lost for two minutes, asked the sales assistant the only question on his mind-

'Where are the kung fu movies?'

'over there' she said pointing, 'in the World section.'

It seems they had taken the previous Martial Arts section, a sizable collection, and tossed in the 5 or so DVDs from the World shelf and then re-branded it World Cinema.

Jon went straight over but I idled about a bit in the aisles. I was getting a bit sick of kung fu movies. Of any movies. I passed the adult section, which as usual consisted of a handful of lame soft porn films. Looking at all the girls on the covers however I became more and more agitated. 'Saturday night' I mumbled to myself.

When I got to Jon he handed me one called 'The Art of Killing' and asked me what I thought.

'Fuck it' I said, 'let's go out'

Jon looked at me and said 'what?'

'Let's go up Tiki's' I said.

_

Tiki's is by far the shittest nightclub we know. All mirrored walls, technicolour carpets and wedding reception music.

We work on the logic however that the shitter the club, the more chance of pulling.

I'd given Doug a call as well. He was going to be my other wingman. He met us outside in the queue.


We walked in and went straight to the bar. After the first pint the conversation had already dried up and we just stood near the bar facing the dancefloor. Doug got another round in and we quietly sipped our beers while all around us people shouted and laughed.

We weren't exactly making waves.

'Dance?' I shouted in Doug's ear. He made a face and shook his head.

I looked over the dancefloor. Loads of girls, swaying and laughing. I watched one guy singing along with the music, his big smiley face skywards and his arms beating the air. A group of girls next to him whooped and cheered.

'That's how it's done' I thought.

I looked at Doug. Short and stocky. Fat stocky, with his gold watch and work trousers. He tries to compensate for his generic face with expensive shirts and huge quantities of hair gel. On my other flank was Jon. Jon had smoked so much weed that he looked like any kind of physical action was beyond him. His facial features remained slack like his body.

We just carried on standing there with the carpet buzzing under our feet. That's when I decided to do it. I was going to hit the dancefloor and act like I was having the best time of my life. After all this little experiment could really pay off I thought.

'I'm going' I shouted.

'go on then' said Jon. Doug shook his head.

I walked over to the dancefloor and found a good spot right in the middle. I started swaying and looking about. Nobody was paying me much attention. Tried to liven it up a bit but it was hard to just switch it on like that. I remembered to smile. 'Got to turn this around' I said to myself. Then suddenly the overhead smoke machine hissed out a solid stream of dry-ice onto the middle of the dancefloor.

'this is it!' I thought and when I came out of that smoke cloud I was hopping about, waving my arms in the air. People were paying attention now. I had an almighty grin on my face and then I closed my eyes and started nodding my head, grooving to the music. Somebody whooped.

Next thing I saw were girls. Laughing. Dancing. Looking at me.

The DJ dropped another rotten old 80s disco track and I threw both hands up and let out long 'YEAAAHH'

More looks. On a roll. Suddenly a girl appeared before me laughing with an expression that said 'incredulously cool'. That's right. She put in some moves and I pulled out the jazz hands. She went off laughing to her mates. Too hot to handle.

I looked over to Jon and Doug and they had clearly spotted the girls around me because they were busy pushing through the crowds to get on the dancefloor.

I started bringing my knees up. Really going for it. People even formed a cirlce and started clapping.

'What a success' I said to myself.

Yes indeed, this one was surely a successful adventure.